Being a Good Person?

I have been given a huge task to handle and I am constantly afraid that I will fail what has been given to me. It all started when my Grand-father passed away five years ago. My Papa was a good man, he was always kind, sweet, loving, honest, hard-working and just an all around good person. If you ever needed to get advice on anything he was your go to guy, but He was ready to go. Papa left behind, Nana (Grand-mother), my Mother, Step-Father, Son and the four of us! THE SON, the drugged out idiot, that made all our lives a living hell. The son always showed up stoned, drunk, or both to every family gathering, I knew what drugs were because of him. My dumb Mother sent me to stay with him for a week during which I awoke to a "funny smell" the first night, I got hit the next day for asking what that smell was, I was sitting on the beach waiting for him to get out of the water and saw my first penis running down the beach, his drug dealer burnt me with a cigarette and then when I cried he said " give her something so she will shut-up" that was the last thing I remembered until the circus ( at least I think it was a circus) fun huh?
THE SON tried to kill himself when I was a teen, he cut his wrists (the right way), stabbed him-self in the chest 3 times and over-dosed on drugs and still failed, he lived! My dumb Mother brought him home to live with US! I didn't sleep for 2 years because I knew that he was going to try to kill one or all of us. THE SON found out that he was mentally ill (manic depressive) and was on 3 different kinds of drugs (this time legal ones). Oh boy I am very comfortable in my own house, damn my dumb mother! A little back story on my Mother, She was very young when she had me and well.....my grand parents took care of me but, on weekends I had to stay with my Mother and whatever flavor or friend that was there! She did drugs also, the legal kind but it was no better because if she wanted to get her nap in or have sex with my step-father, she would give me drugs "to help me sleep". Great Mother huh? My mother took me away from my Grand-parents when I was 12 yrs. because "they wanted to start their lives over in a new place" San Diego here we come! It turned out she was just hiding me away from my REAL FATHER!
Back to THE SON he was living with us and having sex with his now wife, then girl friend in the bedroom next to mine! One night he went off (like I said he would) and threw a glass of booze at my head, he cut me and then laughed, he got kicked out but the scares have lasted a life time! THE SON shows up 3 months later with good news that he procreated and was going to get married to HER! OH shit my Mother is "happy" for him and "just thrilled to be a Aunt" are you kidding? THE SON threw a glass at my head!!! Whatever, Those people never did care about anything or anyone but themselves! The child was born and I was really happy for the family thinking that maybe the family would get better and start to heal the wounds that are still open. NOPE, NOT GOING TO HAPPEN!!! In stead the WIFE doesn't like Us because we hurt THE SON'S feelings and it is all our fault that he did drugs in the first place! BITCH!!!!!!!!!
My Grand-parents did not speak to him for 16 yrs. (He said he would kill my Grand-Mother and burn the house down) then another 5 yrs. after that because THE SON is still an asshole. OK back to where I started, Now my Grand-Mother is alone and needs someone to help Her, so my little family pulls together and we move in with her because her house was bigger than ours. Five years later and guess what? THE SON is still an Asshole, he wants to know where is his money after "borrowing" 71 thousand dollars, SAY IT WITH ME SEVENTY ONE THOUSAND DOLLARS!!! THE SON IS A well, I can't cuss anymore, and still wants to kill my Grand Mother and wants to blow my "face off" and burn down the house!!
Wonder how I am still alive? So do I, but I am here and not going to take it anymore. I will not take anymore hurt in my life, nope no more! I have taken steps to protect my Grand Mother and myself and Family, I have called the Sheriff, and I will protect my loved ones and not be a victim anymore!! That is what you call love, really. Love, I have learned what love really is from my Husband, kids and friends. Love never hurts......ever!

Women are not Bitches

I'M A BITCH !!!.....Unfortunately most women won't re-post this... I'm a handful, I'm strong willed, independent, a bit outspoken and I tell it like it is. I make mistakes, I am sometimes out of control & at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best! If you're a BITCH, re post!.. I dare you! I'll be looking for the ladies who re-post!

I turned on Facebook tonight and that was what I found, that load of CRAP!!! I have never been so insulted in all my life. I was hurt for myself, Daughter, Sister, Best friends and all women! Then there are the men that love us. How could this be a good thing to be calling yourself a BITCH, really? I am so upset that these Girls (let's just call them that...Girl's) are thinking that is a good to be mean to all men! Is that why they are all divorced and in constant turmoil? Lets also mention that these girls are suppose to be God loving Christians, I know that God would NOT approve of that behavior.
Lets deal with the statements; "I'm a handful and strong willed", yes that just what a real man want's in his life a handful of crap all dressed up as a woman! Have you ever heard men talk about women? They make fun of you when you act like a "handful", men call that a pain in the ass! Strong willed, is a whinny baby and if you are taking pride in being whinny then you get what you ask for! Independent is about the only thing in this whole statement that is a good thing because, that means that you don't lose yourself and you wont cling on when a man needs time to decompress after a long day at work or the stress of everyday life! "Outspoken, say it like it is", That is just code for: I have diarrhea of the mouth and I can say anything I want to and hurt as many other women and men as I can because, I have a lot of excuses I can use, having a bad day or my girl days are upon me....aarrrgghh!
"I am out of control and at times hard to handle" Really you are not even thinking at all are you, if you have that many problems with yourself then you should see someone, a professional in snooty little girls!
This is why real MEN don't want to get married, they are afraid that you are just playing at being nice when they are dating you. Men get to know someone that you are not! You have robed yourself of a truly happy life with a man, if you always mislead yourself and undervalue your worth then you will always attract the wrong kind of men. Have you ever noticed that you have boys in you life that treat you like crap? THEN STOP CALLING YOURSELF BITCH!!! Demand that Men treat you with respect, and in kind be a lady. Loving, sweet and kind to your man and to yourself!
You will never get me to call myself a bitch considering, that is a female dog that has never been fixed!! I have been married 22 years and have loved every moment of it even the bad because, I have grown! I will end with this; I am a strong woman, I am a loving person and I will not hurt someone just because it might make me feel better about myself. I have had more pain in my life than most people will ever know, but you can't make me give in to it!

Be careful it's my Heart

The funny thing about love is that it can hurt all the way to your soul! Why does love have to hurt so much, love is suppose to feel good. Do you remember when you were first falling for someone, all you could do is think about that person, how they smell, feel, taste, how does it feel when he holds my hand, is he a good person? There are alot of feelings in the beginning. You are getting to know them and they you, if you are lucky they want to spend the rest of their life with you. However, you start to have life slap you around a little and it all goes to shit and I do mean shit, I really don't like to be foul but, words escape me!
I thought that loving someone meant that you didn't have to fight with the world anymore, can you believe that load of crap! I was hoping when I fell in love with a MAN he would want to keep me for himself and hold me when I cry, never let anyone hurt me or if they did he would hurt them right back....ha! I always wanted someone that I could defend, tell them anything about my past and not be worried that they would hurt you with it. What makes love hurt.....
MEN LISTEN UP, women want a MAN!! A man that really love us enough to not say things that could be dirty in front of their grown up kids, save that for the bedroom. They are respectful of there family and yours, they are always willing to let you cry out when you need to and hold you in his big arms when you have had a bad day. In turn you will love him with all of your soul and always give him all the same love right back!
A dumb man once said to me, "you don't need a man in your life you just need yourself and God", are you kidding me!?!?!?! I know that God made men for women, so why can't I have a man to help me through life and all it's pain, why can't I have God too! I have been in a blue funk over love....
Why does a Mother tell her daughter that she is a bitch because, she wants to move to another state, how can a Mother tell her daughter, that she can stop Loving her! If you really love someone you can't turn off love, like maybe but not LOVE! I have loved more deeply than most will know in there life time! I don't always say or show how much I can love, but I do! My heart has been broken into so many pieces that I don't think it can ever be fixed, but sometimes you just keep moving.....if you stop even for a moment you can feel it again, so you just become numb.
Here is a truth about me I am in Love again with myself, I have grown alot in the past few months. I no longer wish to just be content with some love, I want it all! I no longer want a mother that only likes me when I do for her or a step-father that molested me or a family that just want to use me or friends that don't remember that I don't always have time to hear their problems because I have my own problems. I do love my friends however I do NOT like to be taken advantage of.
Does anyone truly love me, do they even like me, do you want to get to know me. Then get to know me the real me and don't hurt me with the past just LOVE ME!!!!

My country, one Nation

I was never really interested in our country's history in school because, I never thought I would ever use it and I thought it was boring until.........I had my children. When you have your children it is your responsibility to teach them everything about the world that you can, so the more I would think about how big the world was the more I read. I really had alot of fun learning, I went back to school and found that I loved history, I loved the words that were written when our country began.
I fell head over heels I love our Declaration of Independence and the Constitution, the words were beautiful and really well thought out. How could I not want to share and explain what they meant to my kids let alone to our country. The freedoms that we have, the love and respect our government has for us, have you read it lately? History has even more meaning after I learned that my own Great 9 times grand father Abraham Shaw came to America on the Mayflower (he signed the Mayflower Compact), then settled in Dedham, Massachusetts in 1635, Abraham was an Incorporator of Dedham and signed the town covenant, known as the "Dedham covenant". The Dedham Covenant was a very important inspiration to the writing of the Declaration of Independence. During the first year of the Dedham settlement, Abraham proposed the erection of a water mill for the purpose of grinding corn and the town granted him about 70 acres of land and granted permission to build a corn mill unfortunately he died in 1638 before he could finish the mill.
The pride that my Family feels has been put to the test as of late, why you ask? Because of all the lies that have been told by our Government! These leaders have let down my Kids, let alone all of us. We trust them to help make our country better not worse! Aren't we suppose to keep them accountable, they are our pubic servants, we put them in office. Our local public servants steal money from us tax payers, they raise our taxes and tell us we have to work harder because they have to cut more jobs just so they can make their budget. How come I can balance my budget but thy can't! Really.....are you serious? I try not to watch T.V. news anymore because it just makes me really mad, you know madder than a wet hen?
Abraham Shaw had to earn his rights as a freeman by working to establish the Massachusetts colony. In 1632 the residents of Watertown protested against being compelled to pay a tax for the erection of a stockade fort at Cambridge; this was the first protest in America against taxation without representation and led to the establishment of representative government in the colony. I have a whole new understanding of the history of our nation. It's no longer just something I read in a book, now it's a part of my heart because America runs in my veins! God bless my America and yours!
Surf you later
Lili

Under God?

In God we trust, I pledge elegance to the Flag of United States of America, and to the republic for which it stands, ONE NATION UNDER GOD, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all, notice a pattern here, God! Our country has forgotten one of the most important things that made this country great. We all know that other country's want to be us because, we were free, loved, protected, and all part of the greatest country ever made.
Let me take you back for a moment in time when some good men had a good idea, no a great one. They thought and worked hard for some time and to our good fortune they were God fearing men and had the faith that under God we could be something different!
Now we are here and in trouble, our nation is divided in so many fractures that not even surgical pins could help, we have immigration problems, hate is still ramped in our cities and then there is political correctness, oh for heavens sake, are you kidding me. How about we get off our butts and do something, not just vote for whatever they say we should, but ask the fat cats to stop the lies and ask We the People what we really think. We could do little things like, stop checking the box marked what Race are you...ah human, say we are all one race. Tell the Fat cats to stop taking all the money for their salary's and act like they are here to serve us not themselves.
How about this point (and fact), the scientists all use something that we don't really think about but B.C. and A.D., what does that mean you ask? Before Christ (B.C.) and After Death (A.D.), soooo what the heck is going on, even Darwin himself at the end of his life said "it was just a theory" he himself was a believer in a creator and in GOD! If we all go back to a simpler time when we believed in something, read our rights and demand them, then we just might be OK.
The big one is the freedom of speech, I just said my peace and that is my right! Now put that in your cigar and smoke it. Surf ya later, Lili

The Truth and Lies

I have finally decided to write about something that is close to my heart....LIES!
I have a love-hate relationship with the saying "You can't spell families without lies", have you heard that one? Well I live that one everyday that I breath!
I need to start with my childhood, as far back as I can remember my family members have lied to me for one reason or another, mostly lied over my real father. The other lies were to each other, you know the kind of lies that can only cause everyone pain. The interesting thing about me is that I was a only child and the family said all those lies with me in the room (I was a quiet child, that's the way they liked it) or they just flat out told me things they wanted me to say so they could keep their lies straight with each other. My mother would tell me not to tell my grand-mother something she didn't want her to know like, my step-father was a drunk, the next day my Nana (grand-mother) would know something was up and ask me, I WOULD"NT lie for anyone, then I would get spanked by my mother! This went on and on all of my life. My whole family is a mess from the lying they have done.
You know what I have figured out, that lies and manipulation go hand and hand. It's like I have done a study for the past 43 years, been observing in the background. All the hurt and pain that the lying has caused, manipulation is worse in a way because, you have to lie to yourself in order to be a grand manipulator! My parents are the best at it with my uncle not too far behind, they don't think that anyone knows what they are up to. "You need to come over and give your mother a shower because you have not given her a shower in 6 months, if you love her then make time in your schedule for your mother". This is unbelievable considering they wont let me come over unless it's under their terms and ... well I could go on and on but it's not really going to help me or you.
I have searched for the truth all my life, what I have come up with is that everyone knows someone that is a liar or a manipulator. I have read all kinds of books about lies and how not to get sucked into those people's lies, the truth is that the only way you can truly get away from all the hurt is to grow a pair (so to speak) or to move to a deserted island in the middle of the pacific ocean and live alone for the rest of your life. the real truth is in my heart and I follow it everyday! Surf ya later, Lili

Anal Seepage

Sticks and stones will break your bones but words will never hurt you. That is a load of crap!! I am sure that you have heard that saying almost all of your young life and it did not make sense then and it does not make sense now. I am just sure that my family told me that to make me feel better when I was a young child, IT DIDN'T! You see I like most people had a childhood bully, (she treated every kid in the neighborhood like they were less than) I would be hanging out in my front yard when I would see her coming down the sidewalk, (going to the store for her mom just like we all did) she would start yelling BITCH at the top of lungs from 5 houses away, I would just take a deep breath and walk up the driveway into the garage where my Papa (grandfather) was, to stay out of harms way. Now I must tell that my Papa had been saying for many years "Bunky, if you would just hit her one time she would stop calling you names" and the above saying. Well my thoughts were, if words don't hurt then why is she calling me that word! Because she new even then at 7 years of age that words hurt a lot more than sticks do. So, I asked my Papa that very same question and his reply was "I see your point Bunky but, this girl will never stop until you hit her!!!! Well fine then, two days go by and once again here I am doing cartwheels in the front yard, and along comes THAT GIRL, so this is it do or die time, I stand up and say back to her "all right you Bitch come and get me if you really want to". In my head I hear, "here she comes are you really ready for this? I drew back my fist and POW!! I broke her nose, can you believe it!, my grand parents had to talk to her parents and I was not in trouble at all not even with her parents because they had been warning her that she was going to get her clock cleaned if she was not nicer to her friends!? FRIENDS!?
Are we all under a spell or what? Road rage, muggings, gang violence, HURTING LITTLE KIDS, what the hell is going on! To me the hardest one is words that people say when they just are in a bad mood or have had a bad day! I have had broken bones and they heal up but your heart does not. Really does it make you feel better to put someone else down? I learned from my childhood that hitting her did not feel as good as everybody said it would I truly felt worse because that girl did change but not in a good way she stopped coming out of the house to play with anyone. I did get the chance to talk with her when we were older and she did acknowledge she was a very mean kid and tortured all of us kids, but especially me! I asked her why me?, because you had things that I wanted and all the love you could get! HUH? Jealousy? REALLY? oh well, whatever floats your boat girly. I really did say I was sorry and meant it and we laughed about it because her nose is still crooked because her dad said that it would be a reminder to always be kinder to people, I said, If I was her parent that I would have fixed it but reminded her to be kind!(her dad killed her kittens in their pool, because he was a big jerk and the reason she was unhappy as a child).
How about parents that think nothing of telling their kids or me that they hate them, and if they leave home they will never speak to them again. Then to ad insult to injury call me a bitch all because I wanted to move away to another State! How's this one, I have a good friend that is not a druggie, a drunk, or a slut (she is 5 years older than me) that's all and my mother called her names and told me that I could not pick my own friends, I stood up to her and said,"don't call my friends names" the next thing that I knew the mother and step father where on top of me beating me so bad that I had bruises on my bruises and had to go to school the next day! Teachers and friends could see the bruises but when asked I said I fell at skating classes, someone called someone and now they wont speak to me at all, I was 15 years old dammit how could anyone do that to their kids, but see they had a bad day or whatever!!!!
I thought that as I got older that the words would not hurt me as much but I was wrong, they hurt the same! If you want to do something good for someone, then say something nice or DON'T say anything at all!!!!! By the way, think before you have Kids, you never know what you could say to them. If you don't want to hurt them just do the opposite of what MY Mother and Step-Father did and you will be OK. Surf Ya later, Lili