Being a Good Person?

I have been given a huge task to handle and I am constantly afraid that I will fail what has been given to me. It all started when my Grand-father passed away five years ago. My Papa was a good man, he was always kind, sweet, loving, honest, hard-working and just an all around good person. If you ever needed to get advice on anything he was your go to guy, but He was ready to go. Papa left behind, Nana (Grand-mother), my Mother, Step-Father, Son and the four of us! THE SON, the drugged out idiot, that made all our lives a living hell. The son always showed up stoned, drunk, or both to every family gathering, I knew what drugs were because of him. My dumb Mother sent me to stay with him for a week during which I awoke to a "funny smell" the first night, I got hit the next day for asking what that smell was, I was sitting on the beach waiting for him to get out of the water and saw my first penis running down the beach, his drug dealer burnt me with a cigarette and then when I cried he said " give her something so she will shut-up" that was the last thing I remembered until the circus ( at least I think it was a circus) fun huh?
THE SON tried to kill himself when I was a teen, he cut his wrists (the right way), stabbed him-self in the chest 3 times and over-dosed on drugs and still failed, he lived! My dumb Mother brought him home to live with US! I didn't sleep for 2 years because I knew that he was going to try to kill one or all of us. THE SON found out that he was mentally ill (manic depressive) and was on 3 different kinds of drugs (this time legal ones). Oh boy I am very comfortable in my own house, damn my dumb mother! A little back story on my Mother, She was very young when she had me and well.....my grand parents took care of me but, on weekends I had to stay with my Mother and whatever flavor or friend that was there! She did drugs also, the legal kind but it was no better because if she wanted to get her nap in or have sex with my step-father, she would give me drugs "to help me sleep". Great Mother huh? My mother took me away from my Grand-parents when I was 12 yrs. because "they wanted to start their lives over in a new place" San Diego here we come! It turned out she was just hiding me away from my REAL FATHER!
Back to THE SON he was living with us and having sex with his now wife, then girl friend in the bedroom next to mine! One night he went off (like I said he would) and threw a glass of booze at my head, he cut me and then laughed, he got kicked out but the scares have lasted a life time! THE SON shows up 3 months later with good news that he procreated and was going to get married to HER! OH shit my Mother is "happy" for him and "just thrilled to be a Aunt" are you kidding? THE SON threw a glass at my head!!! Whatever, Those people never did care about anything or anyone but themselves! The child was born and I was really happy for the family thinking that maybe the family would get better and start to heal the wounds that are still open. NOPE, NOT GOING TO HAPPEN!!! In stead the WIFE doesn't like Us because we hurt THE SON'S feelings and it is all our fault that he did drugs in the first place! BITCH!!!!!!!!!
My Grand-parents did not speak to him for 16 yrs. (He said he would kill my Grand-Mother and burn the house down) then another 5 yrs. after that because THE SON is still an asshole. OK back to where I started, Now my Grand-Mother is alone and needs someone to help Her, so my little family pulls together and we move in with her because her house was bigger than ours. Five years later and guess what? THE SON is still an Asshole, he wants to know where is his money after "borrowing" 71 thousand dollars, SAY IT WITH ME SEVENTY ONE THOUSAND DOLLARS!!! THE SON IS A well, I can't cuss anymore, and still wants to kill my Grand Mother and wants to blow my "face off" and burn down the house!!
Wonder how I am still alive? So do I, but I am here and not going to take it anymore. I will not take anymore hurt in my life, nope no more! I have taken steps to protect my Grand Mother and myself and Family, I have called the Sheriff, and I will protect my loved ones and not be a victim anymore!! That is what you call love, really. Love, I have learned what love really is from my Husband, kids and friends. Love never hurts......ever!

Women are not Bitches

I'M A BITCH !!!.....Unfortunately most women won't re-post this... I'm a handful, I'm strong willed, independent, a bit outspoken and I tell it like it is. I make mistakes, I am sometimes out of control & at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best! If you're a BITCH, re post!.. I dare you! I'll be looking for the ladies who re-post!

I turned on Facebook tonight and that was what I found, that load of CRAP!!! I have never been so insulted in all my life. I was hurt for myself, Daughter, Sister, Best friends and all women! Then there are the men that love us. How could this be a good thing to be calling yourself a BITCH, really? I am so upset that these Girls (let's just call them that...Girl's) are thinking that is a good to be mean to all men! Is that why they are all divorced and in constant turmoil? Lets also mention that these girls are suppose to be God loving Christians, I know that God would NOT approve of that behavior.
Lets deal with the statements; "I'm a handful and strong willed", yes that just what a real man want's in his life a handful of crap all dressed up as a woman! Have you ever heard men talk about women? They make fun of you when you act like a "handful", men call that a pain in the ass! Strong willed, is a whinny baby and if you are taking pride in being whinny then you get what you ask for! Independent is about the only thing in this whole statement that is a good thing because, that means that you don't lose yourself and you wont cling on when a man needs time to decompress after a long day at work or the stress of everyday life! "Outspoken, say it like it is", That is just code for: I have diarrhea of the mouth and I can say anything I want to and hurt as many other women and men as I can because, I have a lot of excuses I can use, having a bad day or my girl days are upon me....aarrrgghh!
"I am out of control and at times hard to handle" Really you are not even thinking at all are you, if you have that many problems with yourself then you should see someone, a professional in snooty little girls!
This is why real MEN don't want to get married, they are afraid that you are just playing at being nice when they are dating you. Men get to know someone that you are not! You have robed yourself of a truly happy life with a man, if you always mislead yourself and undervalue your worth then you will always attract the wrong kind of men. Have you ever noticed that you have boys in you life that treat you like crap? THEN STOP CALLING YOURSELF BITCH!!! Demand that Men treat you with respect, and in kind be a lady. Loving, sweet and kind to your man and to yourself!
You will never get me to call myself a bitch considering, that is a female dog that has never been fixed!! I have been married 22 years and have loved every moment of it even the bad because, I have grown! I will end with this; I am a strong woman, I am a loving person and I will not hurt someone just because it might make me feel better about myself. I have had more pain in my life than most people will ever know, but you can't make me give in to it!

Be careful it's my Heart

The funny thing about love is that it can hurt all the way to your soul! Why does love have to hurt so much, love is suppose to feel good. Do you remember when you were first falling for someone, all you could do is think about that person, how they smell, feel, taste, how does it feel when he holds my hand, is he a good person? There are alot of feelings in the beginning. You are getting to know them and they you, if you are lucky they want to spend the rest of their life with you. However, you start to have life slap you around a little and it all goes to shit and I do mean shit, I really don't like to be foul but, words escape me!
I thought that loving someone meant that you didn't have to fight with the world anymore, can you believe that load of crap! I was hoping when I fell in love with a MAN he would want to keep me for himself and hold me when I cry, never let anyone hurt me or if they did he would hurt them right back....ha! I always wanted someone that I could defend, tell them anything about my past and not be worried that they would hurt you with it. What makes love hurt.....
MEN LISTEN UP, women want a MAN!! A man that really love us enough to not say things that could be dirty in front of their grown up kids, save that for the bedroom. They are respectful of there family and yours, they are always willing to let you cry out when you need to and hold you in his big arms when you have had a bad day. In turn you will love him with all of your soul and always give him all the same love right back!
A dumb man once said to me, "you don't need a man in your life you just need yourself and God", are you kidding me!?!?!?! I know that God made men for women, so why can't I have a man to help me through life and all it's pain, why can't I have God too! I have been in a blue funk over love....
Why does a Mother tell her daughter that she is a bitch because, she wants to move to another state, how can a Mother tell her daughter, that she can stop Loving her! If you really love someone you can't turn off love, like maybe but not LOVE! I have loved more deeply than most will know in there life time! I don't always say or show how much I can love, but I do! My heart has been broken into so many pieces that I don't think it can ever be fixed, but sometimes you just keep moving.....if you stop even for a moment you can feel it again, so you just become numb.
Here is a truth about me I am in Love again with myself, I have grown alot in the past few months. I no longer wish to just be content with some love, I want it all! I no longer want a mother that only likes me when I do for her or a step-father that molested me or a family that just want to use me or friends that don't remember that I don't always have time to hear their problems because I have my own problems. I do love my friends however I do NOT like to be taken advantage of.
Does anyone truly love me, do they even like me, do you want to get to know me. Then get to know me the real me and don't hurt me with the past just LOVE ME!!!!